January 05, 2011

How Do You Turn It off?

I said many times that I will have worn many different hats in my life.
I worked many different jobs.
Some I loved.
Some I didn't love very much.
Some jobs were difficult.
Some jobs came easily to me.
But I still say that being a mother has been the most difficult, rewarding, heartbreaking, joyful, and painful job in the world.

The actual act of giving birth is painful.
The first time your little toddler says, "No mommy! I can do it myself!" That's painful.
The first day of kindergarten, when you turn around and walk out the door leaving your little one in the care of a teacher whom you do not know, that's painful.
When you sit on the bedside of the sick little one feeling helpless as there's nothing you can do to make him feel better, thats painful.
Having to watch your teenager go through his first heartbreak knowing there's nothing you can do to ease his pain, that's painful.
Watching your teenager drive out of the driveway without you by his side and relying on nothing but God and luck that he will make it home safely, that's painful.
Having to bite your tongue and keep quiet while they make dumb mistakes in hopes that they will learn lessons, that's painful.

Waking up early in the morning two days before Christmas to find out your son has moved out in the middle of the night without a goodbye, that's painful!
Trying to come up with answers when your seven-year-old daughter asks "Why didn't he tell me goodbye? Doesn't he love me anymore?" That's painful.
When a child who you've known his whereabouts every minute for the past nine years is gone for a week without a word, that hurts.
When he blocks you on Facebook in an attempt to assert his independence, that hurts.

Realizing that it will all be blamed on me because I am the "wicked stepmother", even though that for nine years I've been the best mother that I knew how to be, stepmother or not, that hurts.
Hearing the lies and half-truths that are being spread when I don't know what I've done so wrong, that hurts.
When you hear tales of drugs and other negative things, that hurts.

When there is no remorse no humility no apology no explanation, that hurts.

That's what I don't understand, as a mother, even if it's just a lowly stepmother, how can you turn being mom off?
How, after spending nine years worrying about your child, trying to show him right from wrong, trying to help them learn how to make good decisions, living to keep them safe, trying to instill good values, and mold him into respectable man, do you just stop?

Even though he's 18 and legally a man, how do you stop your heart from breaking when you see that he's making very wrong life choices?

I feel like I'm watching a freight train racing towards a bridge that's been washed out and all I can do is watch, there's nothing I can do to stop it or even slow it down.

I've spent countless hours replaying the past nine years in my mind, searching for what I did wrong or what I didn't do right enough.  I've come to the conclusion that I don't think I would've changed anything that I've done.

I am not the perfect mother, certainly not the perfect stepmother. But I've done the best I knew how to do, loved the hardest I could possibly love, and protected is fiercely as I possibly could.

But sometimes, I guess that isn't enough...

So tell me people, how do I turn it off?

How do I not lie in bed at night awake worrying?
How do I turn off the constant second-guessing that's going on in my mind?
How do I conquer the self-doubt?
How do I extinguish the anger?
How do I stop my heart from aching?
How do you just stop being mom?

September 15, 2010


I am the mother to many children.
I try to do the best I can.
I try to teach them right from wrong.
I praise them when they make the right decisions.
I disciple them when they choose the wrong path.

I have good kids.
I have one.

One who, no matter what I say or do, simply MUST test everything.
One who MUST do the exact opposite of anything I tell him to do.
One that has decided he can and will only learn things the "hard way".
One who gives the word defiant a whole new meaning.

I have grounded.
I have taken beloved items away.
I have lectured.
I have begged.
I have yelled.
I have threatened great bodily harm.
I've cried.
I've talked rationally.
I've and rambled irrationally.
He doesn't care.

Now, this child is NOT a little boy.
He is an older teenager.
He does NOT do drugs.
He does NOT drink.
But he is enamored by those who do.

He has started, not only defying his father and I at home.
But now he is bucking the system at school.
He is not only breaking our rules.
Now, he has decided to break school rules as well.

I am at the end of my rope.
I am at a loss.
I don't know what else to do.

He is not a bad kid...

But if  he continues to make the type of decisions he is making now...
I'm afraid he's gonna end up in big trouble!
Trouble we cannot help him out of...
Trouble he can't fix....
Trouble that can ruin his life.

What is a parent to do when she is watching her kid run full force towards a cliff, and he won't listen to her as she screams...  STOP!!!!