July 08, 2009

White Socks, (Rant of the Day... again!)

This post will run tomorrow on The Homesteading Housewife...
But I'm thinkin I should have posted it here instead....
So we'll just post it in BOTH blogs!

OK.... is it only me?
Please tell me it is NOT only me!

I have 5 men/boys living in this house.
Each of those men/boys has two feet.
Each of those feet wear some sort of white sock. (well, they start out white, but that's a whole another rant for another day)
Each man/boy gets 12 pairs of white socks 2 times a year = 240 white socks a year.
There are always some left over from the year before that are still good = 300 white socks.

I always try to buy the same brand of socks so they are easier to match.

Man-of-My-Dreams = Long socks
Worker #1 = kinda short socks, just over the ankle.
Worker #2 = VERY short-so-you-can't-see-em-above-his-shoes socks.
Worker #3 = mid way between the ankle & knee shocks.
Worker #4= doesn't care either way, but most are kinda short.

So, we have approximately 300 white socks for the men-folk of the house.
WHY is it, that I am sitting here after finishing folding and matching socks and I have 23 mismatched white socks?!?!?!?

Seriously... 23!!!
Not one of them is like another one anywhere in the whole stinking pile!!
How many ways are there to make white socks for men/boys?!?!?
They are white socks for cryin out loud!!!

There should be some council somewhere that regulates the making of white socks.
There should be a few different lengths/styles that come in various sizes.

But 23 totally different white socks???
How is this possible???

Can someone please explain to me why on earth there are so many types of white socks??
Is this a serious need?

Is there some high priced white sock engineer sitting in an office somewhere in front of his drawing board who seriously thinks.. "Hey! The buying public just doesn't have enough styles of white socks to choose from to cover their poor feet. I think I'll design a brand new type of white sock!"???

If there IS indeed a White Sock Council what is their address???
I would LOVE to write them a letter!

ok... I feel better now, Thank you for listening.

May 23, 2009

The Hardest Job in the World Ever, with a side of whine.

I have had many jobs and worn many hats in my life.

I scooped ice cream at Baskin Robbins.
I was a hostess at Golden Corral.
I waited tables in a Texas steakhouse.
I managed a sports bar.
I trained waitstaff for an upscale hotel.
I worked in the ER.
I worked on a ambulance.
I was a bartender, a cocktail waitress, a day care worker.

I've sold insurance.
I've sold advertising.
I worked in a psychiatric hospital.
I owned an elder care company.
I've worked the farmers market, in an auto repair shop, sold on eBay, craft shows & flea markets.

And even with all these jobs, I was only fired once in my life.
That's another story for another day,
But it had nothing do do with me or my job performance.

I now hold the most difficult and challenging job title in the world...


Being a mother is hard enough, but throw that little "step" word in front of it and it becomes 100 times more difficult.

Let me start by saying that I love all of our kids as if I carried them each in my womb.
They all live with us 100% of the time.
They all have the same rules,
same consequences, same expectations & same affection.

I don't introduce my brood by saying "Bob, George, Spot & Frank & Suzy are mine, But Fred? Well, Fred is my step-son."

I don't see them that way.
I love them all the same.
I treat them all the same.

Or so I thought...

When I am dealing with my natural-born children,
I am the be-all end-all.
I am Mom.
Right or wrong, perfect of not, that's the way it is, so you better just learn to deal with it.
It is black and white.
Right or wrong.
Yes or no.

Being a step-parent is full of gray, full of self-doubt, full of questioning.
I may be far from perfect,
but I am a very confident mother.
I am, however, the total opposite as a step-mom.

I don't let it show... they can smell fear and doubt ya know!

I'm always being mindful that it doesn't appear (to him OR the other children) that I am treating him different.

If he gets into trouble and I discipline him, does he think I'm harder on him than the other kids because he is not "mine"?
If he doesn't get into too much trouble, do the other kids think I am showing him favoritism because he's not "mine"?

Just this past week.... being a head-strong, attitude-filled, cocky, testosterone-filled teenager, he said something very disrespectful and nasty to me.

I was shocked,
I was angry,
I was hurt.

If my natural-born, head-strong, attitude-filled, cocky, testosterone-filled teenager had said it, I would have, without hesitation, smacked his mouth clean off of his face!!

But, with my step-son, I did not.
I gave him a VERY large piece of my mind.
He was disciplined and punished.
His father threatened great bodily harm if it every happened again.
And then he scolded me for not knocking his block off.
(His father is working out of state, so this is done by phone.)

I'm not sure why it is different, but it IS different.
His natural mother is not involved in his life, so it's not that.
I am not new, I've been in his life for a long time. So I don't think that's it.

He is a good kid.
He, as most teenage boys, gets stupid and mouthy at times. But nothing more than is "normal".
It isn't that he is more of a problem than my natural-born son.

It's just different.
I pride myself in my confidence... or at least the appearance of confidence.

I hate feeling so unsure of my every move!
And the worst part is....
I'm doing it to myself!

I don't know if it can change, or if it ever will change.
I don't know if all step-parents feel this way,
Or if I just suck.

Isn't there a Step-parenting for Idiots book out there??
If so, please send me a copy. STAT!!

Thanks for listening/reading my whine-fest.
It's just one of those weeks, I guess...
It'll get better someday.... RIGHT???

*tap* *tap* *tap* Is this thing on??

May 19, 2009

Vrrooooom! GIVEAWAY!! (Ridemakerz)

This week-end we got the chance to try out RIDEMAKERZ!
Think 'Build-a-Bear' but with Super-Cool Remote Control Cars!!!

This is a FANTASTIC idea for boys and girls!
My 16 yr old boys had just as much fun as my 9 yr old!
My 5 year old Daughter said it was "Awesome!".
And the Man-of-My-Dreams finally got a chance to design and build his dream car.

We all did!
Oh BOY! You should see my Big Girl Truck!

We went to a Mall location where we had a blast!

If you don't have a Ridemakerz location near you,
You can design your own online and they'll ship it right to your door!

Check out www.Ridemakerz.com and see what YOU can build!

Fathers Day is right around the corner!
What a perfect idea for a fun Dad & Child day!!

I'm gonna help someone out!

Watch the video about our trip to RIDEMAKERS,
See how you can win a $100 gift certificate to RIDEMAKERZ or RIDEMAKERZ.com!!!

Good Luck!!


Don't forget to leave some way for me to contact you!
A link to your blog or an e-mail address.
Good Luck!

Earn an extra Entry!!
Tweet this post!
Be sure to leave another comment w/ your Twitter name!

Earn another extra entry by posting about this Giveaway on your blog!
Don't forget to come back and leave a link!

CONGRATS to M Lester!!! check your e-mail!!

April 26, 2009

Play Ball!!

The Little-Foreman-in-Pink has started playing T-Ball.
She Loves it!
She loves warming up with the team...

She is a very strong batter.

She would be thrilled to bat all day.
She hits the ball farther than most of the other 4 & 5 year old girls.
They call her "The Hitter". (hey! 4 & 5 year old girls aren't the most creative nickname givers. Give em a break!)
"The Hitter"
She loves to run the bases.
Even when her batting helmet flops around because they don't make one small enough for 5 year old girls.
She runs like the wind!
They call her "The Runner"
"The Runner"
After the batting and the running comes the Out-fielding.
Being an outfielder is NOT her favorite part of the game.

I think she finds it kinda dull.
She wants to be where the real action is.

She takes her place in the outfield and watches for the ball. (in the outfield? on the outfield? out the outfield?)
She starts strong.
Then she kinda loses interest...

"...there is a string on my Mitt..."
She is ready for any fly-balls that might come her way.

Um.... Did I mention she is a really REALLY strong Hitter?

She graciously lets someone else wear the crown of "The Outfielder"

April 23, 2009

How To Study Like a 16 Year Old Boy.

How To Study For a Test.
Like a 16 year old boy.

1.) Walk into the house and loudly announce "I have a BIG test tomorrow. I will be studying all evening. No time for chores."

2.) Stomp loudly when you are walking to the door to feed the animals because your horrible mother told you to do the chores anyway.
**Be sure to mutter something about it being her fault if you fail the test, can't get into a good college, can't get a good job to make money, and HER grandchildren have to live under a bridge, before you close the door.**

3.) Come in from doing your chores, plop down on the couch and flip on the TV.

4.) Practice your deep breathing so you can perform the worlds longest & loudest sigh when your wicked mother reminds you that you said you needed to study.

5.) Gather up your books and go into your room and sit at your desk to study.

6.) Go into the kitchen to get a drink.

7.) Return to your desk to study.

8.) Go to the bathroom and stay in there for 112 minutes doing God-knows-what.

9.) Return to your desk to study.

10.) Decide it is too quiet and turn on the radio.

11.) Go into the kitchen to get another drink.

12.) Return to your desk to study .

13.) Open your notebook to find a note from your girlfriend, read it 7 times and smell it 16 times.

14.) Go to the bathroom and stay in there for 73 minutes doing God-knows-what.

15.) Return to your desk to study.

16.) Flip through all 97 radio stations looking for one that is playing a song you like.

17.) Preform an amazing air guitar solo and bow to your invisible fans.

18.) Dig in your backpack looking for a pencil.

19.) Go into your brothers room to ask to borrow a pencil.

20.) Put your brother into a sleeper hold and make a bet that he can't get loose from your Grip-of-Death before passing out, squeeze him so hard that he farts.
Run out of his room before the cloud of gas kills you, making sure to knock at least two pictures off of the wall in the hallway as you fly by.

21.) Return to your desk to study.

22.) Open your text book.

23.) Go to the dining room and eat dinner... twice.

24.) Return to your desk to study.

25.) Announce that your eyes are getting tired, and hop into the shower.

26.) Return to your desk to study.

27.) Go into the kitchen for a drink.

28.) Return to your desk to study.

29.) Text your girlfriend 62 text messages.

30.) Play the drums along with your favorite song on the radio using the 2 pencils you stole from your btother for drum sticks.

31.) Turn off the light and go to sleep.

I wonder how they'll do on the test tomorrow??
I'll keep ya posted.

April 15, 2009

Things I would have appreciated someone telling me before I had 5 kids, but of course, no one bothered to tell me!

When a woman announces that she is "with child" she becomes a magnet for information and advice.

Her mother tells her about the way she felt when she was pregnant.
Her friends give her all their helpful tips for combating morning sickness.
They tell her where to find the cutest maternity clothes.

When she starts to look pregnant, even strangers begin to share their knowledge with her.
Women in the grocery store checkout line suddenly feel comfortable sharing intimate details about their bodies.

The mom-to-be hears the pros and cons of breastfeeding, vaccines, organic baby foods, TUMS, the OB departments of all the local hospitals & how to avoid the dreaded stretch marks.

But there are many things that no one bothers to tell you!
Things that it would be really REALLY nice to know!
It's kind of like some sick initiation into some super-secret sorority.. It's HAZING! And I'm pretty sure Congress outlawed hazing for a reason!

Today, I am going to break the silence!
I'm gonna fill you in.. on everything.... the good, the bad & the horrifying!

Let's dig right in and address hemorrhoids.
Yep, hemorrhoids. Those little floppy hunks of flesh that suddenly appear "down there".
When they are "little" and "floppy" they are little more than a funny little thing to make you go ewwh.
It's when they become PISSED that they can make you squirm and long to shove an ice cube into your butt. (sorry.. but it's true!)

Oh... and make note... they will be with you for life!
Yep, for the rest of your life they will pop in to say HI!
Kinda like your annoying Uncle Buck who stops by twice a year to visit.
The one that stays too long and feeds your dog table scraps that make him puke all over your bed?
THAT Uncle Buck! From this point forward, he will be known as Uncle Hemorrhoid.

Breast Feeding when you have a sweet baby who, for some reason, acts like your soft milk-filled breasts are from the devil, it does NOT mean your baby hates you.

I had one baby who absolutely refused to breastfeed.
We tried lactation consultants, silicone nipple guards, different positions, NOTHING worked!
We ended up bottle-feeding him.
He still loved me. And, after hours of sobbing, I got over it and we bonded just fine.
Many women have a baby who just don't like the boob... deal with it, and get on with your life. It'll be ok!! Your baby still loves you!

Hairs, for some reason (maybe the crazy-whacked-out hormones) I sprouted 13 hairs.
Thick BLACK hairs...
Thats all I'm gonna say about it!

Squirting, When you carry another whole person around in your gut, things stretch.
Not just your once perfect belly skin.
But muscles stretch too!
Not only your abdominal muscles.
But the often ignored but VERY important bladder muscles do too!

My youngest is now 5 and a half years old, and I STILL have to do the "Slam-your-knees-together-when-you-sneeze-so-you-don't-squirt" maneuver.
Kegel exercises help, But not enough. It gets worse after each baby.
So, by now, I should be wearing Depends.

all this withstanding. I loved being pregnant.
I love being a mom (most days).
None of these things are a deal breaker.
But it would have been appreciated if someone would have prepared me!!

You are now prepared!
Go forth and populate the world!
You can thank me later.

April 08, 2009

Confessions of a Bad Baseball Mom

I have a confession to make...

Yep, it's sad, but true.
I'm a baseball Mom.
And I'm NOT good at it.

This year, The Little-Foreman-in-Pink (5)
and Worker #4 (9) are playing baseball.

This makes me a ...
running between practices 6 days a week,
attending a combined 6-8 games a week,
Filling the Water Bottles,
Slathering the Sun screen,
Spritzing the Bug Spray,
sore palms from clapping,
cracking voice from cheering,
Baseball Mom.

Now, don't get me wrong... I said I am a Baseball Mom...
I never said I was a good one!

Opening Day and the first games of the season were last week-end.
I was all excited to watch my little ones play.
The 4-5 year old T-Ball game was first.

We got there in plenty of time.
The little girls were SO cute with their over-sized pink batting helmets and face guards.
I waited for my little redhead to make her way to the plate.
She took her stance, and prepared to swing the bat.

Something came over me.
I jumped out of my seat and started yelling...
"Go Clover!!!, Hit it hard!!, Bring 'em Home!! Whoo Hoo!!'
She swung the bat, hitting the T and NOT the ball.
"That's ok Clover! You'll get it next time!! Keep your eye on the ball baby!"

Then I I heard a little voice...
Why are you yelling to Brittany? I'm your girl. I'm over here!"
Oops! I sat down and shut up.

Then it was worker #4's game.
He is 9, 9 yr old games are intense man!

The other baseball moms are Hard Core!
They all have team shirts with their kids names and numbers embroidered on the back saying things like.. "Brandon's Mom" or "Jimmy's Mom".

They all have their matching folding chairs,
Full make up,
Orange slices to give to their player.
Not a hair is out of out of place.
They know their cheers.
They have their seats saved with special bleacher chair thingies.

I, however, am lucky I remembered to brush my teeth before I rushed out the door to get to the ball park on time!

It's gonna be a Looong season!

February 27, 2009

The long distance Booty Call.

Hot Stuff has been away from home for 2 weeks.
I have missed him.
Tonight, I am driving to see him and Man-oh-Man am I excited!
Lets just say, that I need to see him.
I realllly need to see that man!

My best friend called me this morning and, as usual, the topic of sex came up.
People think men are bad about "locker-room talk"???

Those men have nothing on us!
We talk about everything.
When he did that we like.
What he does that we don't like.
Ideas for things to try.
Warnings about things we must avoid.

I've given her instructions on the famous, no man can see straight for days, Hot-n-Cold Blow Job.
She told me about her friend "Delta" (a fabulous hand-held shower head).
We are close friends to say the least.

Well.... One day she mentioned to her husband that she was reading a good book, and there happened to be a pretty damn hot and steamy sex scene in the book. (so of course I had to run out and buy it too!)
He was intrigued.

That night when they went to bed, he was thrilled to see that she was quite excited and ready to "play" all because of the book.
They have now spent several steamy nights that began with her reading him a "bedtime story".

One book that isn't really about sex only has so many good sex scenes in it, so she was in search of new stories. Of course she called me.
I hoped on Amazon and did a search for womens erotic fiction and we had a blast reading through all the titles and making our book lists.
Now we have to wait for our books to come in.

She gets to wait with her man by her side.
I have to wait in a big cold bed.
He has been gone for 2 weeks and I am NO longer impressed!

I called him and informed him that the time for a conjugal visit was NOW!

I'm driving up there....
He is to be waiting...
On the bed....
Naked in all his glory....
I will be wearing a skirt...
with nothing underneath....
I will thrust open the door and take a flying leap ......
Lets all hope I hand in the right spot...
Impaling myself on Hot Stuff's "stuff" sounds GREAT!

Impaling myself on his bedside table? Not so much....

I will let you know how it turns out.

January 20, 2009

Well Great!

Well I suck! I started this blog with grand plans of it being a place where I would come and be able to give a totally uncensored view of whats going on in my screwed up head.
A place to rant, spew my un-prettified thoughts.
and look at it....
It is empty!

Is it empty because I have had nothing to bitch about?

Is it empty because I have become a sweet perfect mommy who doesn't think nasty thoughts anymore?
Not a chance!

Maybe it's empty because my children have decided to become some of those perfect kids who always do as they are told and give me no grief?
I couldn't even type that with a straight face!

Is it empty because I discovered that a nice bottle of Crown is better than blogging and have been in an alcohol-induced stupor?

Nope... Its simple really...

I'm a slacker,
Yep, I'm a fat lazy slacker who forgot she had this page to bitch on...
But I have remembered now....

You have been warned!