April 15, 2009

Things I would have appreciated someone telling me before I had 5 kids, but of course, no one bothered to tell me!

When a woman announces that she is "with child" she becomes a magnet for information and advice.

Her mother tells her about the way she felt when she was pregnant.
Her friends give her all their helpful tips for combating morning sickness.
They tell her where to find the cutest maternity clothes.

When she starts to look pregnant, even strangers begin to share their knowledge with her.
Women in the grocery store checkout line suddenly feel comfortable sharing intimate details about their bodies.

The mom-to-be hears the pros and cons of breastfeeding, vaccines, organic baby foods, TUMS, the OB departments of all the local hospitals & how to avoid the dreaded stretch marks.

But there are many things that no one bothers to tell you!
Things that it would be really REALLY nice to know!
It's kind of like some sick initiation into some super-secret sorority.. It's HAZING! And I'm pretty sure Congress outlawed hazing for a reason!

Today, I am going to break the silence!
I'm gonna fill you in.. on everything.... the good, the bad & the horrifying!

Let's dig right in and address hemorrhoids.
Yep, hemorrhoids. Those little floppy hunks of flesh that suddenly appear "down there".
When they are "little" and "floppy" they are little more than a funny little thing to make you go ewwh.
It's when they become PISSED that they can make you squirm and long to shove an ice cube into your butt. (sorry.. but it's true!)

Oh... and make note... they will be with you for life!
Yep, for the rest of your life they will pop in to say HI!
Kinda like your annoying Uncle Buck who stops by twice a year to visit.
The one that stays too long and feeds your dog table scraps that make him puke all over your bed?
THAT Uncle Buck! From this point forward, he will be known as Uncle Hemorrhoid.

Breast Feeding when you have a sweet baby who, for some reason, acts like your soft milk-filled breasts are from the devil, it does NOT mean your baby hates you.

I had one baby who absolutely refused to breastfeed.
We tried lactation consultants, silicone nipple guards, different positions, NOTHING worked!
We ended up bottle-feeding him.
He still loved me. And, after hours of sobbing, I got over it and we bonded just fine.
Many women have a baby who just don't like the boob... deal with it, and get on with your life. It'll be ok!! Your baby still loves you!

Hairs, for some reason (maybe the crazy-whacked-out hormones) I sprouted 13 hairs.
Thick BLACK hairs...
ON MY BOOBS!!!
Thats all I'm gonna say about it!

Squirting, When you carry another whole person around in your gut, things stretch.
Not just your once perfect belly skin.
But muscles stretch too!
Not only your abdominal muscles.
But the often ignored but VERY important bladder muscles do too!

My youngest is now 5 and a half years old, and I STILL have to do the "Slam-your-knees-together-when-you-sneeze-so-you-don't-squirt" maneuver.
Kegel exercises help, But not enough. It gets worse after each baby.
So, by now, I should be wearing Depends.

Now...
all this withstanding. I loved being pregnant.
I love being a mom (most days).
None of these things are a deal breaker.
But it would have been appreciated if someone would have prepared me!!

You are now prepared!
Go forth and populate the world!
You can thank me later.

10 comments:

SavvySuzie said...

Amen and AMEN! They never tell you about the bladder issues...the fact that your shoe size grows...the mystery hairs (mine showed up around my NAVEL)...but I wouldn't trade pregnancy (or the end result) for anything :)

Rosemarie said...

Oh Dana...this is too funny and all too true. By the grace of God I had escaped the whole hemorhhoid mess but I remember crying my eyes out about the breastfeeding thing. My first had done it so easily but my second child had us both in tears for a week or more. Turns out years later at my daughter's first dentist appointment the dentist asked me if I knew my daughter was tongue tied. It explained the whole breastfeeding fiasco. Poor kid!!!

Now the one I REALLY wish someone had told me about was...the episiotomy. 'Course I may not have had any kids if someone told me they'd cut me DOWN THERE!!!!!!

Sab said...

I'm lucky enough not to have any of the above... but the bladder thing is hilarious...

The episiotomy... I begged my doctor not to have one, he said he doesn't do them unless it's necessary, and then I got a different doctor completely! He didn't perform one anyway. Phew!

Milehimama said...

Oh, you forgot that if you damage or break your tailbone during delivery...well, Uncle Hemorrhoid might say high with little to no warning.

Don't ever wear overalls again.

Dana said...

Oh yes.... my first broke my tailbone AND left me with 37 stitches!!.... YIKES!!!

I tell him he has been a pain in the butt from day one! :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you all so much for proving once again that I made the right decision. NO KIDS!!!!!!

Kadie

chameleonsdream said...

It's not about hazing - there's a reason we keep these things (mostly) mum -- if we all talked about them openly, the human race would die out because no woman would ever willingly get pregnant!

marathoner81 said...

Excellent tidbits of information! I now know these things, BUT no one ever told me about them...i had to discover them on my own.

Katidids said...

Well, there goes the human race! LOL

sasha said...

very nice and informative blog
here i would love to share a blog about women health pregnancy and tubal reversal
http://www.mybabydoc.com/blog/
tubal reversal