When a woman announces that she is "with child" she becomes a magnet for information and advice.
Her mother tells her about the way she felt when she was pregnant.
Her friends give her all their helpful tips for combating morning sickness.
They tell her where to find the cutest maternity clothes.
When she starts to look pregnant, even strangers begin to share their knowledge with her.
Women in the grocery store checkout line suddenly feel comfortable sharing intimate details about their bodies.
The mom-to-be hears the pros and cons of breastfeeding, vaccines, organic baby foods, TUMS, the OB departments of all the local hospitals & how to avoid the dreaded stretch marks.
But there are many things that no one bothers to tell you!
Things that it would be really REALLY nice to know!
It's kind of like some sick initiation into some super-secret sorority.. It's HAZING! And I'm pretty sure Congress outlawed hazing for a reason!
Today, I am going to break the silence!
I'm gonna fill you in.. on everything.... the good, the bad & the horrifying!
Let's dig right in and address hemorrhoids.
Yep, hemorrhoids. Those little floppy hunks of flesh that suddenly appear "down there".
When they are "little" and "floppy" they are little more than a funny little thing to make you go ewwh.
It's when they become PISSED that they can make you squirm and long to shove an ice cube into your butt. (sorry.. but it's true!)
Oh... and make note... they will be with you for life!
Yep, for the rest of your life they will pop in to say HI!
Kinda like your annoying Uncle Buck who stops by twice a year to visit.
The one that stays too long and feeds your dog table scraps that make him puke all over your bed?
THAT Uncle Buck! From this point forward, he will be known as Uncle Hemorrhoid.
Breast Feeding when you have a sweet baby who, for some reason, acts like your soft milk-filled breasts are from the devil, it does NOT mean your baby hates you.
I had one baby who absolutely refused to breastfeed.
We tried lactation consultants, silicone nipple guards, different positions, NOTHING worked!
We ended up bottle-feeding him.
He still loved me. And, after hours of sobbing, I got over it and we bonded just fine.
Many women have a baby who just don't like the boob... deal with it, and get on with your life. It'll be ok!! Your baby still loves you!
Hairs, for some reason (maybe the crazy-whacked-out hormones) I sprouted 13 hairs.
Thick BLACK hairs...
ON MY BOOBS!!!
Thats all I'm gonna say about it!
Squirting, When you carry another whole person around in your gut, things stretch.
Not just your once perfect belly skin.
But muscles stretch too!
Not only your abdominal muscles.
But the often ignored but VERY important bladder muscles do too!
My youngest is now 5 and a half years old, and I STILL have to do the "Slam-your-knees-together-when-you-sneeze-so-you-don't-squirt" maneuver.
Kegel exercises help, But not enough. It gets worse after each baby.
So, by now, I should be wearing Depends.
all this withstanding. I loved being pregnant.
I love being a mom (most days).
None of these things are a deal breaker.
But it would have been appreciated if someone would have prepared me!!
You are now prepared!
Go forth and populate the world!
You can thank me later.
2 years ago