April 26, 2009

Play Ball!!

The Little-Foreman-in-Pink has started playing T-Ball.
She Loves it!
She loves warming up with the team...

She is a very strong batter.

She would be thrilled to bat all day.
She hits the ball farther than most of the other 4 & 5 year old girls.
They call her "The Hitter". (hey! 4 & 5 year old girls aren't the most creative nickname givers. Give em a break!)
"The Hitter"
She loves to run the bases.
Even when her batting helmet flops around because they don't make one small enough for 5 year old girls.
She runs like the wind!
They call her "The Runner"
"The Runner"
After the batting and the running comes the Out-fielding.
Being an outfielder is NOT her favorite part of the game.

I think she finds it kinda dull.
She wants to be where the real action is.

She takes her place in the outfield and watches for the ball. (in the outfield? on the outfield? out the outfield?)
She starts strong.
Then she kinda loses interest...

"...there is a string on my Mitt..."
She is ready for any fly-balls that might come her way.

Um.... Did I mention she is a really REALLY strong Hitter?

She graciously lets someone else wear the crown of "The Outfielder"

April 23, 2009

How To Study Like a 16 Year Old Boy.

How To Study For a Test.
Like a 16 year old boy.

1.) Walk into the house and loudly announce "I have a BIG test tomorrow. I will be studying all evening. No time for chores."

2.) Stomp loudly when you are walking to the door to feed the animals because your horrible mother told you to do the chores anyway.
**Be sure to mutter something about it being her fault if you fail the test, can't get into a good college, can't get a good job to make money, and HER grandchildren have to live under a bridge, before you close the door.**

3.) Come in from doing your chores, plop down on the couch and flip on the TV.

4.) Practice your deep breathing so you can perform the worlds longest & loudest sigh when your wicked mother reminds you that you said you needed to study.

5.) Gather up your books and go into your room and sit at your desk to study.

6.) Go into the kitchen to get a drink.

7.) Return to your desk to study.

8.) Go to the bathroom and stay in there for 112 minutes doing God-knows-what.

9.) Return to your desk to study.

10.) Decide it is too quiet and turn on the radio.

11.) Go into the kitchen to get another drink.

12.) Return to your desk to study .

13.) Open your notebook to find a note from your girlfriend, read it 7 times and smell it 16 times.

14.) Go to the bathroom and stay in there for 73 minutes doing God-knows-what.

15.) Return to your desk to study.

16.) Flip through all 97 radio stations looking for one that is playing a song you like.

17.) Preform an amazing air guitar solo and bow to your invisible fans.

18.) Dig in your backpack looking for a pencil.

19.) Go into your brothers room to ask to borrow a pencil.

20.) Put your brother into a sleeper hold and make a bet that he can't get loose from your Grip-of-Death before passing out, squeeze him so hard that he farts.
Run out of his room before the cloud of gas kills you, making sure to knock at least two pictures off of the wall in the hallway as you fly by.

21.) Return to your desk to study.

22.) Open your text book.

23.) Go to the dining room and eat dinner... twice.

24.) Return to your desk to study.

25.) Announce that your eyes are getting tired, and hop into the shower.

26.) Return to your desk to study.

27.) Go into the kitchen for a drink.

28.) Return to your desk to study.

29.) Text your girlfriend 62 text messages.

30.) Play the drums along with your favorite song on the radio using the 2 pencils you stole from your btother for drum sticks.

31.) Turn off the light and go to sleep.

I wonder how they'll do on the test tomorrow??
I'll keep ya posted.

April 15, 2009

Things I would have appreciated someone telling me before I had 5 kids, but of course, no one bothered to tell me!

When a woman announces that she is "with child" she becomes a magnet for information and advice.

Her mother tells her about the way she felt when she was pregnant.
Her friends give her all their helpful tips for combating morning sickness.
They tell her where to find the cutest maternity clothes.

When she starts to look pregnant, even strangers begin to share their knowledge with her.
Women in the grocery store checkout line suddenly feel comfortable sharing intimate details about their bodies.

The mom-to-be hears the pros and cons of breastfeeding, vaccines, organic baby foods, TUMS, the OB departments of all the local hospitals & how to avoid the dreaded stretch marks.

But there are many things that no one bothers to tell you!
Things that it would be really REALLY nice to know!
It's kind of like some sick initiation into some super-secret sorority.. It's HAZING! And I'm pretty sure Congress outlawed hazing for a reason!

Today, I am going to break the silence!
I'm gonna fill you in.. on everything.... the good, the bad & the horrifying!

Let's dig right in and address hemorrhoids.
Yep, hemorrhoids. Those little floppy hunks of flesh that suddenly appear "down there".
When they are "little" and "floppy" they are little more than a funny little thing to make you go ewwh.
It's when they become PISSED that they can make you squirm and long to shove an ice cube into your butt. (sorry.. but it's true!)

Oh... and make note... they will be with you for life!
Yep, for the rest of your life they will pop in to say HI!
Kinda like your annoying Uncle Buck who stops by twice a year to visit.
The one that stays too long and feeds your dog table scraps that make him puke all over your bed?
THAT Uncle Buck! From this point forward, he will be known as Uncle Hemorrhoid.

Breast Feeding when you have a sweet baby who, for some reason, acts like your soft milk-filled breasts are from the devil, it does NOT mean your baby hates you.

I had one baby who absolutely refused to breastfeed.
We tried lactation consultants, silicone nipple guards, different positions, NOTHING worked!
We ended up bottle-feeding him.
He still loved me. And, after hours of sobbing, I got over it and we bonded just fine.
Many women have a baby who just don't like the boob... deal with it, and get on with your life. It'll be ok!! Your baby still loves you!

Hairs, for some reason (maybe the crazy-whacked-out hormones) I sprouted 13 hairs.
Thick BLACK hairs...
Thats all I'm gonna say about it!

Squirting, When you carry another whole person around in your gut, things stretch.
Not just your once perfect belly skin.
But muscles stretch too!
Not only your abdominal muscles.
But the often ignored but VERY important bladder muscles do too!

My youngest is now 5 and a half years old, and I STILL have to do the "Slam-your-knees-together-when-you-sneeze-so-you-don't-squirt" maneuver.
Kegel exercises help, But not enough. It gets worse after each baby.
So, by now, I should be wearing Depends.

all this withstanding. I loved being pregnant.
I love being a mom (most days).
None of these things are a deal breaker.
But it would have been appreciated if someone would have prepared me!!

You are now prepared!
Go forth and populate the world!
You can thank me later.

April 08, 2009

Confessions of a Bad Baseball Mom

I have a confession to make...

Yep, it's sad, but true.
I'm a baseball Mom.
And I'm NOT good at it.

This year, The Little-Foreman-in-Pink (5)
and Worker #4 (9) are playing baseball.

This makes me a ...
running between practices 6 days a week,
attending a combined 6-8 games a week,
Filling the Water Bottles,
Slathering the Sun screen,
Spritzing the Bug Spray,
sore palms from clapping,
cracking voice from cheering,
Baseball Mom.

Now, don't get me wrong... I said I am a Baseball Mom...
I never said I was a good one!

Opening Day and the first games of the season were last week-end.
I was all excited to watch my little ones play.
The 4-5 year old T-Ball game was first.

We got there in plenty of time.
The little girls were SO cute with their over-sized pink batting helmets and face guards.
I waited for my little redhead to make her way to the plate.
She took her stance, and prepared to swing the bat.

Something came over me.
I jumped out of my seat and started yelling...
"Go Clover!!!, Hit it hard!!, Bring 'em Home!! Whoo Hoo!!'
She swung the bat, hitting the T and NOT the ball.
"That's ok Clover! You'll get it next time!! Keep your eye on the ball baby!"

Then I I heard a little voice...
Why are you yelling to Brittany? I'm your girl. I'm over here!"
Oops! I sat down and shut up.

Then it was worker #4's game.
He is 9, 9 yr old games are intense man!

The other baseball moms are Hard Core!
They all have team shirts with their kids names and numbers embroidered on the back saying things like.. "Brandon's Mom" or "Jimmy's Mom".

They all have their matching folding chairs,
Full make up,
Orange slices to give to their player.
Not a hair is out of out of place.
They know their cheers.
They have their seats saved with special bleacher chair thingies.

I, however, am lucky I remembered to brush my teeth before I rushed out the door to get to the ball park on time!

It's gonna be a Looong season!